sabbatical 8.21.24
Hello friend. I’ve been away for a while… doing the usual summer things. I’m sure you all have your own version of the usual summer things. In the middle of summer, I read a really good essay from a mother both satirically stating the craziness of kids being home for summer while simultaneously loving it at the same time. I am learning two things can be true.
Just as my last post lamented how May felt more like December- hurried and rushed as we headed into summer, August feels more like New Years that January 1st does to me.
The kids head back to school and that means I am refreshing our spaces. Messy rooms and cluttered hooks get make overs, or at least clean-overs (if that can be a word) into something that feels a little more organized. “If only I can create the system to keep our habits healthier, our schedules running more smoothly and our bellies fueled on nutritious snacks, well, then I know I will be crushing the school year.” Does anyone else feel this way?
This year feels a little different for me. I keep hearing, “what are you going to do with all your time now that ALL your kids will be in school full-time?!”
If you have your baby heading to school all the days, you know what I mean. This will be the first time, in well, quite some time that I will be in this space. A space of total freedom (kind of). To be honest, it leaves me the time to do both nothing and everything. Once again, two things can be true. It’s all about choices I guess.
I put the pen away for some time and didn’t want to come back. I didn’t want any of these little letters typed onto my screen shared with anyone except myself. All my thoughts needed to be inward. I didn’t want the judgement from others about the threads of my heart I typed out. I didn’t feel like doing it. I didn’t want to worry about any type of commitment to others that I couldn’t keep. I don’t know why any of this was the case, but I trusted my heart and shut it down. But then, two days ago right when I was about to delete this site, something flickered after that little sabbatical away from typing, social media and figuring it out. I am not sure what it was, but I think it was perhaps it was a glimmer of God’s grace. A little nudge from God that perhaps sharing our words, our musings and a few threads of our heart through words that can be shared actually connects us a little more.
I think I used to write for others. It started as a how can I share? How can I advocate? How can I connect?
I think I used to write for my glory. Others will understand me. I will be seen. I will be heard.
How silly those things are, but they are part of the woven fabric of our humanity. Am I ashamed to admit? Well, maybe a little embarrassed, but not ashamed.
The other day it dawned on me; I can write. I can share. I like the feel of the keyboard at my finger tips. My heart likes the space to pour my thoughts and emotions onto the paper or screen, perhaps as a painter uses the canvas and watercolor to bleed out to create a beautiful piece of art. Art that can hang on her own wall or art that can be shared with the world. These essays are not for me, maybe not even for you, dear reader, but simply a place to pour out the threads of my heart thoughts onto paper. Maybe as you read, you think I’m nuts, or maybe (hopefully) they help you feel a little more connected to something. Either way, I think I’m back…
